Have you ever seen a chick hatch? Getting out of the egg is hard work, and by the time they’re out they are a wet, shaking, exhausted puddle. First thing they do is fall over and have a long, well-deserved snooze.
That’s how I’m feeling these days: like a wet, shivering mess that needs a nice long nap. I’ve surprised myself over the last few weeks by doing things I never thought myself capable of - I’ve spoken up, stepped up and taken a stand. And while I’m proud of myself for doing so and know that it was necessary, I’m now feeling exposed, exhausted and scared.
Author and researcher Dr. Brené Brown coined the phrase “vulnerability hangover”, referring to the feeling of shame and fear that pops up right after we’ve undertaken an emotional risk and put ourselves out there. I’ve experienced vulnerability hangovers in the past (after releasing my books, sharing my mental illness, or revealing my problematic drinking history), but I’m happy to report that once you’ve exposed all your secrets, they lose their power over you.
But now I’m experiencing a new one: a courage hangover. Not only that, I’m also in the midst of an existential crisis, because everything I thought I knew about myself doesn’t seem to be true anymore, and the person that’s emerging is one I don’t recognize.
How do we know who we are? That’s a question I’ve always struggled to find an answer to. As a clueless teenager I had one main goal: I wanted to be the exact opposite of my parents. They were introverted, so I decided to be extroverted. They loathed parties, so I strived for being the life of the party. They had few friends, so I thought having a large group of friends was what I wanted.
As guiding principles go, I wouldn’t recommend my approach. Instead of learning who I was I tried to pick a personality like a pair of shoes, and what I chose didn’t fit very well.
I spent my 20s and half my 30s trying out different personas: after the party-girl didn’t fit I tried my hand at housewife, artsy musician, reliable employee. I defined myself in turn as wife, as stepmother, then by my job. I was looking for the label that would finally tell me who I was, because even as I was in my 30s, I still had no idea.
And then I discovered personality tests. Hallelujah! I was thrilled, because here was finally someone who could tell me who I was. I eagerly took them, carefully wrote down my new label, and proceeded to try to fit into it.
The biggest takeaway I got from the personality tests was that I was an introvert. That revelation was both astonishing and made sense to me - of course I was. It was an immense relief to finally being able to relax, to shed the forced people-person persona that never suited me, and to acknowledge that I was my parents’ daughter who had inherited some of their traits.
But I made a mistake. Instead of using those tests as tools, I used them as absolute truth. I thought once you had chosen a box you had to fulfill every last trait perfectly. I proceeded to make myself comfortable in the box, smoothing out my edges to fit into what I thought I should be.
I see myself as a person who wants to get along, who tries to keep the peace, who wants everybody around her to be happy. I assumed that in order to get that you didn’t rock the boat, but keep the boat steady. But what do you do when the stormy sea is threatening to tip the boat over? When all of you are in danger of drowning, and only radical action will save you? Someone has to be the captain of the boat.
A few weeks ago I stepped up to take over and steer the boat into safer waters, and nobody is more suprised by it than I am. My recent actions don’t fit my carefully crafted view of myself at all, and it has thrown me for a loop. Being any sort of leader is not something I’ve ever done before or sought out, and I’m having trouble keeping up with recent events.
I blame it on sobriety. Having a clear and focused mind at all times does things to you. I can’t ignore problems the way I used to; instead of numbing them out, they stay at the forefront of my mind, and the only way to remove them from there is by trying to solve them. Without knowing how it happened I’ve gone from “what can I do?” to “what can I do?”, and let me tell you, that’s a powerful shift.
Another powerful shift? I’m throwing the labels and boxes away. I needed a box to hide in after searching for an identity for so many years. It was comfortable and safe, and I don’t regret having hung out there at all. But now I’ve outgrown my box.
These days, I’m not hiding behind a label any longer. I’m making decisions based on what feels right to me, not to the person I think I should be.
And you know what? Just like all the other hangovers before, this courage hangover too shall pass. Who knows what will emerge from it?
I have a feeling it will be the real me.
❤️ Miriam
Recent news:
Remember the scrub jumpsuit I mentioned in my last letter? It arrived, and it surpassed all my expectations!
My audiobook is ready for download through a bunch of different retailers now! It’s not on Amazon/Audible yet, but I’ll let you know as soon as it arrives there.
I did a book video because I always wanted to make one. I love how it turned out!
I’m going to have a sale for my book soon, stay tuned!