Hi from editing central!
I’m working hard on editing the manuscript, which has historically been my least favourite part of the writing process (closely followed by promoting it). This time however I’m enjoying both?! Wonders never cease.
I attribute this to the fact that I know a little bit more about what I’m doing this time around when it comes to formatting and all the technical stuff, and that I feel so passionate about the subject matter of my upcoming book. I’ve lived with mental illness for most of my life, and for the majority of it I was desperate to hide it from people. I truly thought that if I pretended it didn’t exist nobody else would notice it either. Guess what? That didn’t happen.
It’s impossible to hide a rage so fierce it makes the kitchen cupboards shake and the dogs hide under the table. It’s even harder to pretend everything is fine when you can’t get out of bed because the world is so heavy and grey that the weight of it makes everything hurt. And it’s tricky to explain bursting into tears and making light of an anxiety attack that has you convinced that your husband is dead and you’ll be alone for the rest of your life.
I didn’t go to the doctor until my marriage was threatened by my recurring depression ten years ago. The kind doctor oversimplified my condition, blaming it all on a serotonin-deficiency that could be levelled out with medication, and I was all for it. Pop a pill and continue on like nothing was wrong? Yes please!
While the medication helped it wasn’t enough. It’s like using a spare tire for years and being surprised when it doesn’t do the job properly.
Since I didn’t do anything else to help my condition I was still getting depressive episodes, had intrusive thoughts, was constantly worried about the future, and didn’t know why I would get swept up in an irrational anger that felt completely out of control.
What to do when your mind constantly tells you that you’re worthless, when you can’t stop overthinking, and when you’re terrified that your actions will alienate everybody you love? You do what society endorses as the ultimate relaxation activity: you pour yourself some wine.
Very slowly over many years I increased my wine consumption. Wine seemed to do what it promised: I felt more relaxed and carefree, and it numbed out the negative voices in my head nicely.
There was only one problem: the effect didn’t last. Not only that, I started getting terrible hanxiety (= hangover-induced anxiety) every single night after drinking and it was truly horrible. I would wake up with severe self-loathing, panic about what I was doing to my health and my life, and the unsettling conviction that this wasn’t going to end well.
Almost a year ago I quit drinking. Since then I have fully accepted that mental illness is part of who I am, and I have adjusted my life accordingly. I am much more intentional these days about who I spend time with, how much I work, and what I allow into my life. I’ve assembled a long list of things that help me, and I know now what doesn’t.
This is what my next book Everything is Broken and Completely Fine is about. It picks up where Let’s Pretend This is Normal left off, spanning the last 6 years. It goes over a few events that I mentioned in Quit the Hustle, but this time you get the full story of how my mental illness and drinking have influenced some of the decisions I have made in the past. It’s the most honest and raw book I have ever written.
My mental illness and, more recently, my drinking were the deepest, most shameful parts of myself. I was terrified of people finding out about it. But shame only flourishes in the dark. Brené Brown writes:
“If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”
That’s what I’ve done by writing this book: I have doused my shame with empathy, honesty and love. And you know what? The shame is gone. For the first time in my life, I have no shame about any aspect of myself anymore. I am free.
Now let’s get to the good part, the cover reveal! Drum roll please …
There she is!! I used a design from Canva, and I’m in love with it. What do you think?
In other exciting news, you can pre-order the eBook right here. The book will also be available as paperback, but unfortunately there’s no pre-order option. I am considering offering it as hardcover as well (not sure about it yet), I’ll keep you posted!
That’s it for today. I’ll leave you with another Brené Brown quote about shame and how to release it:
“We desperately don’t want to experience shame, and we’re not willing to talk about it. Yet the only way to resolve shame is to talk about it. Maybe we’re afraid of topics like love and shame. Most of us like safety, certainty, and clarity. Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness.”
Shine some light on that shame and watch it slink away! We all deserve better than to cower in the darkness.
🧡 Miriam