Embrace what you have (or change it)
The other day as I was trudging through the snow to feed the animals, I couldn't help but marvel at how far I have come. Only months earlier, this was unthinkable for me. I left all the morning chores to my husband, because I told myself that they were "his" animals.
But when we moved into our new house 2 months ago, I got up on my very first morning and went out to greet the dogs. The horses were whinnying, demanding their breakfast - so I gave it to them. And to the sheep and goats as well, because it only seemed fair.
I have been doing it every morning since. I can't tell you why I changed my behaviour after so many years; it wasn't a conscious decision. But I can tell you this: It feels good to finally commit 100%.
For years, I was playing the role of long-suffering wife to an animal-obsessed husband, commiserating with fellow breeder-widows about how crazy our other halves were. I would roll my eyes when he came home with yet another half dozen chickens we didn't need, and I refused to help him take care of them unless I absolutely had to.
While I did enjoy living on a farm, I didn't completely identify as a farm wife (which is ironic, given the name I gave my blog).
But, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how to live my life. Over the 6 months or so, I have been soul-searching, digging deep inside of me to figure out what I love, and what I want to change.
Because, here is the thing:
I want to either commit 100%, or change things. No more half-assing it.
I spent an insanely long time doing something I wasn't passionate about: Making music. We're talking 27 years here, folks. Crazy, right?! You can read my article about that right here, you gorgeous creature, you. Learn from my mistakes!
When I finally gave up playing the organ about 3 years ago, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I have never regretted that decision.
It wasn't about not being good enough (I was somewhere in between mediocre to decent, depending how much I forced myself to practice), but that I didn't enjoy it. Life's too short, right?
Another aspect of my life I wasn't happy with was my job. It's tricky (and unwise) to write about your job on a public blog that's being read by half your co-workers, so I never did.
But now that I have left said job, and we are in this much more intimate setting, I feel that I can finally talk about it.
When I became an x-ray tech, I was 30 years old. School had been long and tedious, and I couldn't wait to finally be done with it and start working. I loved my job. I enjoyed the interaction with patients, and particularly a group of co-workers who became friends. We had a blast together, and I regularly went home with a huge, contented smile on my face.
However, that changed. It's the same old story, really: New boss, new rules, unhappy staff. The worst part was that we couldn't stop talking about it. Complaining about the boss and how awful everything was replaced the formerly happy atmosphere and made it toxic. People would not only obsess about the changes that had already taken place, but about the ones that might happen in the future. Which is pointless, and doesn't help anyone. It also doesn't lighten the mood one bit.
What to do? Take it, or leave? I stuck it out for 2 years. I honestly can't say if I would have left if it wasn't for the move. Familiarity and habit are a powerful team - they are like super-glue, keeping you in place. I didn't really want to stay, but I also did. I knew everything and everybody - isn't the evil you know better than the one you don't? Starting somewhere else would be scary and uncomfortable.
That damn comfort zone had me firmly in its clutches.
When I left my job at the end of last year, I was relieved. And I thought long and hard about how I felt about the profession as a whole. You all know that I love writing, and I seriously considered if there could be a way to make a living with writing.
However, the more I researched, the more I understood that many writers have to work another job, because writing doesn't pay (all) their bills. There are exceptions, of course, but that's just what they are - exceptions.
So, I sent my resume out to 2 different hospitals, and waited to see what would happen. In the meantime, I wrote every day, and visualized what my ideal scenario would be.
If I was to be the creator of my own destiny, what would it look like? Pretty much like this.
And yes, I made an inspiration wall to remind myself ;-)
Turns out, x-ray is still a part of my vision. And you know what?
Last weekend I started working at a new hospital, and I'm really enjoying it.
I decided to embrace my life, because it's an awesome one. Including the bazillion chickens, the senior husband, and yes, my job as an x-ray tech.
Life is a work in process. It will change and evolve over time. But I think it's important to take stock regularly, to see where you are and where you want to be.
We can shape our destiny. What will yours be?
xoxo Miriam
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Vol. 7