Face your fears (again)
How are you guys? How's summer treating you?
I know it's been a while since I last popped into your mailbox, and I could claim many reasons for it (life is so busy, I have so many fun things on the go - the usual bullshit), but none of them are true.
The truth is much simpler and less glamorous: my depression has really been bugging me. For a while, if I'm honest. All year, if you must know.
On the outside, life couldn't be any better: I truly and completely made up with my sister; I'm doing fun stuff; I have friends; there is a deep sense of belonging that I've never felt before; and then there is, of course, this guy:
But all year, I've been feeling off.
I have no energy, yet I'm restless; I get horribly wheezy and short of breath when I walk uphill; I barely work out; I need insane amounts of sleep (and can nap at the drop off a hat, something I was never able to do before); and I have the hardest time motivating myself (something that usually comes easy to me).
I live the life of my dreams, everything is going well - so why the fuck am I feeling like that?
I know the answer, of course. I've known for months. But I don't want to face it, so I pretend that everything is normal (see what I did there? 😉).
When I'm out in the world, I'm happy, energized, one of the people who (seemingly) have their life under control, and I don't even have to act - I feel good. For hours at a time, sometimes days, I feel fine - until I don't.
It's my depression. After years of being able to control it with medication, of barely even noticing it, it's now making its presence known more than ever.
Is it a form of PTSD because of my husband's illness?
Is it a side-effect of spending more time outside my comfort zone?
Is it perimenopause??? (I'm rapidly approaching my 40s, after all.)
Who the fuck knows.
All I know is that I have an appointment with my doctor in less than 2 hours, and I will have to tell him, and I really, really don't want to. He's young and handsome and so - put together, and now I have to tell this accomplished guy that I may need - therapy??? It's one thing to write about therapy from the safety of my home, hiding behind a computer screen, but it's a different story having to utter the words out loud to a guy I know and work with.
But the last few months have shown me that the symptoms aren't going away on their own. My body, my beautiful, wise body is sending me some very clear signals (that rash I get when I'm stressed and that's in an unspeakable location? It's back with a vengeance 😫), and I know I have to do this.
That's all for today.
I really wanted to send out a reminder that behind every happy image and "life is so awesome!"-post you see online is another story: a story of pain, struggle, and difficulty. It doesn't photograph well, so we usually don't post it. Or talk about it.
But never forget: we all have similar problems and struggles.
Hang in there! We got this.
xoxo Miriam
My book is all about the real story behind the shiny facade. Want to find out more?
You can order it here!
Vol. 54