Finding the courage to be yourself
Last Wednesday, my blog turned 4 years old. I still remember the feeling of giddiness and nervousness I was experiencing as I wrote my first post: I sat cross-legged on the bed, laptop in front of me, and I couldn't quite believe that I was doing it. Contrary to many other bloggers who have read blogs for years before they start their own, I had only learnt of what a 'blog' was a month before.
I was immediately fascinated by the concept: It felt to me like creating a virtual home on the Internet, and the thought was so appealing, I decided on a whim to start my own.
I knew nothing about blogging. I didn't know anybody who had a blog.
But an invisible force drew me so powerfully towards it, I simply had to do it.
It was one of the few times in my life where I jumped head-first into something I knew nothing about, and it was one of the best decisions of my life.
Celebrating my one-month anniversary
I was a shy child who grew into an insecure teenager, and then an anxious young woman, desperate to be liked by others. I measured my self-worth by how much other people liked me.
Despite being 33 years old when I started blogging, I had astonishingly little self-awareness. I had this picture in my mind of the person I wanted to be: Outgoing, fun, confident, popular, the life of the party. I wanted to be the kind of girl who could strike up a conversation with anyone, despite being the exact opposite.
I had never thought much about introverts or extroverts. To be honest, I didn't really know the definition of either, but I knew that I wanted to be an extrovert. Ignorant me thought that extroverts were the fun people, while introverts were weird loners with no friends.
It wasn't until I read Susan Cain's book "Quiet: The Power of the Introvert in a World That Can't Stop Talking" that I learnt what it meant to be introverted or extroverted, and that I was, in fact, an introvert.
A puzzle piece of myself slid into place, and all of a sudden, things made more sense.
My blog enabled me to find myself.
Before I started blogging, I looked in my immediate vicinity for inspiration. Family, friends, co-workers, maybe even some book or TV characters were my role models. What I saw around me was what I knew.
It wasn't until I found the blogging community, that I learnt that there were so many more ways to live life:
That you didn't have to have kids, just because you were a woman.
That you didn't have to have a traditional 9-5 job, but that there were countless other alternatives out there.
(To name just a few:
Helene from Helene in Between is a professional blogger.
Taylor from The Daily Tay is a professional blogger and created a successful T-shirt business.
Allison from Wonderlass runs an online business helping bloggers create their own successful businesses.)
That you didn't even have to live in a big house with a huge mortgage if you didn't want to; you could live in a van, a tiny house, or in a 700 square feet apartment - as a family of 5.
In short, blogging opened up a new world for me, and showed me that there are more opportunities out there than I ever thought possible.
But the biggest journey has been one much closer to home: Getting to know, accept, and even like myself, inside and out, with all my flaws, weaknesses, and faults.
There's a quote by Brene Brown that captures beautifully why getting to know ourselves is so scary:
"I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."
Isn't that the truth? Like I mentioned earlier, I wanted nothing more than to be outgoing, to have lots of friends, to be nurturing, a whizz in the kitchen, and have a smaller butt and bigger boobs.
Instead, I sometimes hide in my house because I don't want to talk to anyone, I prefer staying in to going out 9 times out of ten, I'm not maternal towards kids (just dogs), cooking is a chore I often avoid, my butt is big and my boobs are small.
For years, every negative thing that someone said to me, even just once, was lodged firmly in my brain, reminding me constantly how much I sucked: I was impatient. I had a sharp tongue. I was selfish. I would explode for little or no reason. I was a quitter. Something must be wrong with me for not wanting kids. My mood swings were out of control. I would be pretty if I just wore make-up.
The list goes on.
I suspect that you have your own list of things you don't like about yourself, mistakes you made you wish you hadn't, and personality traits you wish you could change.
Learning to like yourself takes courage. There is an entire world out there telling you that you would be happier if you would just lose some weight; be more spontaneous; be more trendy; wear different clothes, or read different books, or not read at all.
In order to accept yourself, you have to first take a close look at yourself. That in itself is easier said than done; we are so accomplished at hiding our true selves from others, that we may forget who we really are.
My blog helped me find the courage to accept myself. Writing helped me figure out how I was feeling, and sharing my doubts, fears, and insecurities online had a surprising effect: It liberated me. It was as if they lost their power by talking openly about them.
It's not an easy process, but it's so worth it.
Everybody makes mistakes. We've all done things we're not proud of. But where would we be without them? Every misstep teaches us something, makes us stronger, and shapes us into the person we are today.
You're awesome. Show the world all your quirks and weirdness, because that's what makes you YOU!
Love, Miriam
Like this newsletter? Fantastic! Forward it to someone who would like it, too.
Vol. 12