How to figure out who the hell you are
I was lying on the raw earth, the hay stubs of the mowed field digging uncomfortably into my back and bum. He had collapsed on top of me, holding me tight.
As I was gazing up at the millions of twinkling stars above me, I neither felt the hard stubs underneath me, nor the cool night air giving my exposed flesh goosebumps.
All I felt was hope.
'I will do anything to keep him, ' I promised myself. 'I will lose weight, I will learn to like what he likes, I will be the perfect woman. Even if he's annoying me, I will find a way to live with it. As long as he stays with me.'
Those were my thoughts after the man who would later become my husband and I slept together for the first time. I was 22, as lost as never before, and I had just found the man I was hoping would save me.
I wasn't in a good place in my life. Self-esteem non-existent, no plans for the future, no idea what I even wanted my future to look like. All I knew was that I was sick of going on the way I had until now - I was sick of being lost and confused and hurting.
As an avid fairy-tale fan, the idea of being rescued by a handsome prince was alluring, and didn't even seem that foreign to me at the time. After all, wasn't that what lots of women did? Married someone as a way into a different/hopefully better life? If you have no idea what you want your life to look like, why not have someone else choose it for you?
After all, that's what my mother had done. And my sister.
Would I be next in our family tradition?
I know this is not how a modern, educated and strong woman is supposed to think.
But at the age of 22, I was neither of those things. I felt weak, and hopeless, and not very well informed about anything. From where I was standing (or lying, to be more precise), the best option I had to improve my life was lying on top of me, telling me how pretty and special and amazing I was.
This could have gone horribly wrong. You hear stories like that all the time, where a young and inexperienced woman falls prey to an evil and predatory man.
Abusive relationships often start out romantic like that.
Many Law&Order episodes started with a variation on that.
In my case though, everything was as good as it seemed. After that first night we had a second, and then, after a few weeks' separation and missing each other horribly, we went on a 2-week vacation.
During those 2 weeks, my imagination went into overdrive.
When you have no clear idea about who you are, you can be anyone you want to be.
Reality? Who cares about reality?
I remember that I pictured myself to become a fearless, tough, outdoorsy horsewoman. Someone who is physically strong, doesn't complain about hard physical work, and looks fierce and gorgeous doing it.
What about the reality that I despised working outside during bad weather (a lifetime of working at my parents' outdoor farm market and a recent 6-month stint doing a Forestry practicum - during the winter - had taught me that)? Not to mention that I was a fearful person and not exactly a risk-taker?
I brushed those thoughts aside. The new, improved me would simply transform herself into that woman.
I also saw myself as a chess-playing, red wine-drinking super-cook, who would effortlessly whip up exquisite 5-course meals, to be consumed by candlelight at a beautifully set table, before seducing my man and be the whore in the bedroom that every man apparently wanted.
Nothing about these fantasies was even remotely rooted in reality. I was plucking random images from movies and books, trying to create the perfect woman, so I could be lovable.
I didn't know who I was. I had no idea what I wanted, apart from the vague notion of wanting to "be happy".
But what did being happy look like for me? Who the hell was I, and where did I want to go?
Contrary to popular belief, I figured it out while I was with someone. I know that many women's magazines tell you that you should be by yourself for a while, "to figure out who you really are".
And I agree with that wholeheartedly. Establishing a healthy and happy relationship with yourself will be the most important task of your life. After all, you are the only person who has to spend the rest of your life with yourself; you better get to know that person really well, and find a way to love her/him!
But what if your timeline is messed up? What if you meet your soulmate before you're ready, before you know what you want and who you are? Are you supposed to pass on him/her, until you have a better grasp on yourself?
Hells no.
Life isn't orderly. It doesn't give a shit about timelines and order and your own personal plans. It happens when it happens.
And let me tell you: if you have a partner who loves you before you can love yourself, who sees you before you see yourself, and who gives you space to figure yourself out?
You will figure it out.
(Also: never let him go. He's a keeper.)
It took me a loooong time to even get an idea of who I was. The main obstacle in my way was, of course, myself. I so desperately wanted to be that fearless, strong, cool, outgoing woman of my dreams.
It took me years to first realize, and then accept, that I would never be that woman I hoped I could be.
I would always be a bit different from most people.
I'm an introvert.
I say weird things at inopportune moments.
If possible, I avoid physical labour.
I never developed the patience for chess.
I prefer white wine to red (and most of it comes out of a box).
I'm not 100% comfortable on a horse (and I never will be).
Few (if any) things come effortlessly to me. For most of it, I have to work bloody hard.
I will never be that strong, wood-chopping, whiskey-drinking, chiseled super-woman of my dreams.
But then, something incredible happened.
By
a) getting to know myself, and
b) accepting myself (at long last), with all the many (and weird, why so weird?) flaws, I
c) began to see an amazing, life-altering truth:
I was a strong woman.
I figured out who I was: a woman who loves passionately, collects stories like it's her job, who likes to connect with others on a deep level, and who wants to do her best to honour the gift of life that was given to her. She's also a woman doesn't discipline her dogs, has a rebellious streak, talks a tough game but hides behind her husband sometimes, is hardworking but also lazy AF, cleans sporadically, and will never be the sex kitten she pretends to be.
In short: by letting go of all my preconceived, unrealistic expectations of myself, I was finally able to see myself for who I was.
Flawed. (Oh so flawed.)
Insecure. (Probably forever insecure.)
Overthinking. (Definitely forever overthinking.)
But also: being comfortable with the woman I was always meant to be.
I have a capacity to love the people that are dear to me that takes my breath away.
And so do you.
We all are inherently programmed to love. We only stop when we are hurt, disappointed, or taught to guard our hearts.
But here is the thing: hurt and pain is part of the human existence. None of us can escape that.
Trying to protect yourself from further pain by shutting yourself off close human contact will only hurt yourself.
I learnt that by sharing our vulnerable side, we will truly find our strength.
So, that's really my only advice:
In order to find yourself, be vulnerable. Open yourself up to other people. Be prepared to get hurt, but also know: you will grow wiser and stronger through that experience.
And last, but not least: be gentle with yourself. The world is harsh enough; you don't need to be.
You are perfect and beautiful the way you are.
Believe it; it's true.
xoxo Miriam
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Vol. 43