How to sabotage a woman
You know the old joke:
"What do visitors and fish have in common?
They both start to stink after 3 days."
We are in week 3, and this fish is smelly.
If you read my blog, you know that my mother-in-law is currently visiting. She is 83, lives in Germany, and my husband is her only child. Needless to say, when she makes that big trip, she always does so for a minimum of 3 weeks.
When it comes to MILs, our relationship is pretty good. With me being wife #2, being 25 years younger, and not giving her any more grandchildren, things could be a lot worse.
But we are very different people. The list of our differences is a long one, but the one that affects both of our lives the most is this: Our approach to mealtimes.
MIL's needs are simple: She wants to eat her 3 meals at the same time every day.
And to me, that's a near impossible task.
MIL's life is structured around breakfast, lunch and dinner. All her life, she and her husband have lived by the clock. Breakfast at 8, lunch between 12 and 1, and dinner at 6. Those 3 meals are the cornerstone of her existence, and I believe they make her feel safe and grounded.
She doesn't eat when she's hungry; she eats when it's time.
I, too grew up with set mealtimes. I assume most kids do, right? I'm a bit rusty on the parenting rules, but I seem to recall that a set routine is important for kids.
However, even as a child I resented that. Me and my friends would be in the middle of the most epic game of catch-on-bikes, when the clock chimed 6, a window opened and the dreaded "dinner!" call was shouted out. We would have to stop the game right there and then, ruining a perfect winning streak and a great game.
Food has always been more of an afterthought for me. I love to eat, and I'm a bear when I'm hungry, but there are many, many things in life that are far more important to me than a sit-down meal.
Luckily, my husband feels the same way, and we have built our life with no cornerstones in the form of meal times. And we love it!
Here's what a typical day looks like for us (when we are not working):
I get up early, make coffee, and write for an hour.
Rich is still sleeping.
Around 9ish, I go outside and do chores. By the time I'm back, Rich is awake. He has a cup of tea and I have another cup of coffee, either together, or with him talking on the phone and me back in front of the computer. Rich likes to talk to his German friends in the mornings, when it's evening in Germany.
We may or may not have breakfast together. I always eat in the morning, but usually something quick like toast, cereal or oatmeal. Rich is not a breakfast person. However, we love to go out for breakfast, and do it about once a week or so, around lunch time.
The rest of the day is even more unstructured. During the warm months, we are like feral cats. We spent all day outside, only coming in when we are ravenous.
There are no meal times. We may eat lunch any time from 11 to 4 o'clock in the afternoon, or skip it all together when we had a late breakfast. I'm a snacker, and I will graze all day long.
Dinners in the summer can be as late as 9 or 10pm, depending on what we've been doing outside.
This sounds probably horrible to many of you. And I know that I can't impose our erratic eating schedule on an unsuspecting outsider.
I'm doing my best to adhere to a schedule when we have guests, particularly when it's my 83-year old MIL.
But here's the thing: I don't get anything else done. I still have my chores and work and housework.
And now, between preparing meals 3 times a day, cleaning up after each one, going shopping all the time for all the little things she wants and only tells me after I've finished my shopping, and collecting a gazillion glasses from everywhere (why do they use so many glasses?), I have no time for what's important to me. Yoga and writing are being shamefully neglected.
The mealtimes are like prison guards to me.
While there are little windows of spare time in between them, I can't focus enough to get into the right mindset to write. And the few times I have, I had to stop again to cook another fricking meal!
I know that I'm the weird one here. I also deeply appreciate the fact that I found a partner who is like me in this regard. What are the odds?
Few people live like we do.
But we love it. We feel like kids in summer camp, running wild and free!
When we had the kids at home, we had a much more structured life as well. You have to.
But now that they're gone, we live exactly the way we want.
And I suggest you do the same!
For many, many years, I had this constant critic living in my head. It sounded suspiciously like my mom, and it would point out the many ways in which I failed.
Not cooking for my man every day? Fail.
Not wearing make-up every day? Fail.
Not sleeping in the same bed every night?* Fail.
*Yes, we have separate bedrooms, due to incompatible sleeping habits. We still sleep together if we want to, but not every night.
According to the voice, I wasn't doing life right.
It took me years before I learnt to say to the voice: Fuck off.
I am me, and I do me. Rich and I are happy with the way we live, and that's the only thing that counts.
Unless, of course, family is in town.
You never stop feeling like a naughty kid when mothers are around!
So, I will suck it up and make 12 more meals.
And then it's back to the summer camp life!
Have a great week, sweet ones! And don't forget: You do you.
No matter how weird it may look to others.
xoxo Miriam
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Vol. 24