Incomplete advice

"I just want you to be happy."

Long before I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I knew that I wanted to be happy. Happiness was the goal, and in my mind, it was a destination. I was convinced that once I’d reached Happyville, I would move in and stay forever, happy every day for the rest of my life.

But happiness proved to be a slippery bitch. I’d find it – usually through a new man, or a new friend, or a new outfit, or because I had lost three pounds, or made some extra money – and I’d dig my hands into it, clinging to it with all my might, determined not to let it go – just to have it slip through my fingers like water. The man and friend would turn out to be flawed, the outfit got boring, the weightloss wasn’t enough, the money wasn’t enough. Suddenly I’d stand there empty-handed once again, happiness gone.

Chasing happiness can become an addiction.
I tried a thousand different ways to find it:
I worked hard to be “healthy and happy” (which means skinny), because all the magazines told me that happiness was guaranteed if you were thin.
I tried my hardest to be likeable, because I was convinced that if enough people liked me, I would be happy. Universal approval=happiness, right?
I drank gallons of happy juice (=wine), because they told me that it would make me forget all my sorrows.
I tried buying myself happiness by buying lots of pretty things.
I thought working hard would bring me success, and doesn’t success equal happiness?
I thought doing nothing would make me happy. (It just made me restless.)
I found a man who loves me deeply and whom I love back.
I made friends whom I love.
I found a job I enjoy.
I bought all the dogs.
I discovered a passion that gives me joy.
I created my dream life.

And yet…

Happiness proved to be elusive. I worried that I might not be made for permanent happiness, that my brain was too messed up to experience happiness properly.
But then I learnt something that changed everything.
Happiness isn’t a permanent state. Jessica A. Jaramillo, a counsellor, writes: “In reality, happiness is but a transient human emotion; and by nature of such it can only exist one moment at a time. It is characterized by an overall sense of contentment and well-being, or even bursts of joy and excitement. The frequency and intensity can vary, but ultimately -as an emotion- it succumbs to the same biological laws as our anger, sadness, and disgust; and it will always lack objective permanence.”

Turns out, the idea of “living happily ever after” is really just a fairytale.

I don’t know about you, but I find this hugely reassuring. I thougt I’d failed every time I couldn’t keep happiness around, when in reality I was chasing something that isn’t meant to be permanent. And if you think about it, it makes sense: humans are remarkable at adjusting to situations, environments, and emotions. If happiness were permanent, we’d get used quickly to the state of happiness, resulting in it becoming normal and a bit boring. As anyone who’s chased any kind of high knows only too well, they are not sustainable.

I don’t think happiness is a bad wish for us and for the people we love. It’s a thrilling emotion that feels wonderful. But I do think that it’s absolutely essential to include the information that permanent happiness doesn’t exist. Instead of saying “I want you to be happy”, it’s better (and more accurate) to say “I want you to experience lots of happy moments in your life.”

Overall, I find these more useful to aim for than happiness:

• Wholeness: To me, being whole means becoming unapologetically, uncompromisingly myself. To become whole we have to do inner work, to identify our values and strengths and live a more authentic life. Once we have identified our values, we then have to stop compromising ourselves and be true to who we are and what we believe in.

  It’s sometimes a painful process, because we will lose people on the way to wholeness; some won’t like it when we stop watering our true selves down. But since it’s impossible to be liked by everyone, I prefer to be disliked for who I am to being disliked for someone I am not. At the end of the day, I am the person who lives with myself, and I want to like and respect myself.

• Contentment: Living a life true to ourselves will lead to contentment. And contentment is a beautiful, restful state to be in. It means being totally at peace with where you are, right now, in this moment. You don’t feel like missing out; you don’t want to be anywhere else; you don’t look at others and wish for what they have. You are fulfilled and whole.

• Joy: Joy is the more permanent, more sustainable sister to happiness. Joy is a deeper emotion and comes from within. We experience joy when we find meaning and purpose in our lives, from paying attention to the beauty around us, and from meaningful relationships with others.

• Peace: Being at peace with myself and the world around me is what it’s all about. I think that every human being wants and needs peace.

As you’ve probably noticed, wholeness, contentment, joy, and peace are all connected. They are what I’m striving for these days. And you know what?
I’m frequently encountering happiness on the way. Along with sadness, restlessness, fear, boredom, anger, excitement, tiredness, and a thousand other emotions. To wish for happiness alone is like settling for one food instead of hundreds; one season when you can have four; one flower instead of a whole meadow filled with thousands of different flowers.

I wish you a life filled with a smorgasbord of emotions, experiences, different foods, people, and adventures.
We are meant to experience it all: light and darkness, highs and lows, warmth and coldness, happiness, sadness, and everything in between.

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