Is setting boundaries the first step of being a real adult?
Yesterday morning's breakfast conversation:
Rich: "Uhm, I have to tell you something."
Me looking up, taking in my husband's guilty expression, instantly suspicious. "Oh no, you didn't - you did, didn't you?!" I narrowed my eyes accusingly. That's what you get when you've been married for over 13 years - you know your spouse's weak points. I had a strong feeling that I knew what he had done.
Turns out, I was right. "You bought another dog, didn't you." It wasn't a question. "When are they going to be here?"
Guilty look. "10 o'clock."
It was 9 am.
We all deal with stress differently. Some of us order clothes online (ahem, guilty), others have a few too many sour suckers or cupcakes (ahem, guilty).
Richard looks at animals for sale. Dogs, cows, horses, birds - he looks at them online for hours, and more often than not, he will call the people up and talk to them about their animals - "just to get more information", he always claims, actually believing his blatant lie himself.
Well, you know what they say: if you play with fire, you get burnt.
One of his little talks took a surprising turn: according to Rich, "the lady insisted on bringing the dog by to see if she would fit in with us".
Yeah, right.
What I'm sure happened was that he sounded supremely interested, despite the fact that I told him repeatedly that I don't want another dog right now. Ever since I saw the wolf print on one of my walks a little while ago, Rich has been worried that I may be attacked by a wolf. His solution? Get a fierce, protective dog I can take on my walks along with the Corgi and Blue Heeler. His logic may be flawed, but his heart is in the right place.
Anyway, the lady called him at 8 o'clock in the morning on Saturday, announcing that she and her husband would roll up the next day with a 4-year old fierce, protective dog in tow. If all parties liked each other, we could keep her for free*. Early mornings are not Rich's strength, so he simply agreed.
*(This country is full of people who give animals away for free - remember how we ended up with a stallion? It's a dangerous environment for an animal nut like Rich.)
"She caught me off guard!" he protested feebly when I gave him a hard time. "I didn't know what to say!"
"You could have said no!" I countered crossly. "How hard is it?"
(As you will see, pretty fricking hard.)
They arrived yesterday morning. The dog looked like an overgrown sheep, fairly big with white, curly hair. She was skittish, but that's understandable for a dog who enters other dogs' territory.
What caught me off guard were the instructions from the owner:
"Don't look her in the eye. Don't touch her back, she doesn't like that. You will have to be really careful with your little dogs so she doesn't do anything to them. You should probably keep your gate looked for a while, so nobody can come on the property unannounced [and be attacked by her, was the unspoken message]." O-kay?
We walked around with her for an hour, having put our dogs away for the time being so she could relax. She was pretty, but I knew right away that this was not the right dog for us. She needed a firm hand, someone who was the clear pack leader and would work with her regularly. The owners were talking obedience and choke collars and agility training. I, on the other hand, treat our dogs like my kids, and I love that I can trust them not to attack anybody.
But something weird was happening. Despite the dog's standoffish behaviour, the owners were thrilled about how "well" she was behaving, and apparently decided that she would be ours. They kept saying how relieved they were that she would be in such a good home, and when Rich invited them in for coffee and the dog lay down next to the lady, she said "go lie down next to your new dad!". (Which she didn't. Smart girl.)
Inside, I was screaming 'noooooo, we don't want her!', but on the outside, I didn't know what to do. The train had left the station, it was gathering speed, and I had no idea how to stop it. On the way inside the house I had hissed to Rich "I don't want to keep her," but I could see that he was just as helpless to stop the train as I was.
We were all sitting around the table, drinking coffee, the three adults chatting away, me (feeling very much un-adult in that moment) mostly silent, trying to decide what to do.
Honestly, it would have been easiest to just give in. Keep the dog, see how it goes. Except that I felt very strongly that this was the wrong choice for us. I just knew.
And I had a thought: is that how some bad marriages happen? One half of the couple has doubts, but simply doesn't know how to stop the wedding train?
I couldn't let this happen! After almost an hour of coffee and talking, I blurted out: "Would you excuse us for a moment? I have to talk to Richard in private." They nodded their agreement, and I pulled Rich into the bedroom and closed the door.
We had a short conversation about how strongly I felt about not wanting the dog, and then we rejoined them and told them.
And you know what? It was fine. They understood, they said better now than later, and shortly after, they gathered her up and left.
And I felt really proud. It's such a small thing, really, but I resisted my usual impulse to stay quiet and choose the (seemingly) easier option. Ironically, what's easier in the moment has a tendency to complicate life later on.
This time, I chose the brief discomfort of telling someone something they didn't want to hear, but saved us a lot of heartache and trouble later on.
One day later, I'm still pretty damn proud.
Little victories, man - they can make your day.
Happy Monday!
xoxo Miriam
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Vol. 46