Living the "happily ever after" is different than expected
It's the end of a long weekend here in Canada. For us Canadians, the "may-long weekend" (aka Victoria day) is the equivalent to the American Memorial day: It's the official beginning of summer.
It usually includes parades, camping, food, family and friends, and we love it dearly. Unless you work in a hospital or for the police, in which case you're dreading it almost as much as a full moon - it always involves crazies, many accidents and casualties, and makes for a verrry busy long weekend indeed.
But this year, I was off work.
And it was the first really hot weekend of the year, with temperatures over 30 degrees Celsius/90s Fahrenheit. We had drinks and many laughs with the work crew on Friday, who are almost done fencing our entire property. They are a great group of guys, with one being a hobby stand-up comedian (his Sean Connery and Forrest Gump are incredible!), another one being a real cowboy (he showed me his hands, every finger has been previously broken and/or dislocated - I've never seen such crooked fingers in my life, and I see broken bones for a living!), yet another a hobby musician who has named some of our chickens after famous musicians (Elvis and Keith Richards are among them).
They are country men, most of them born and raised here, and I just love listening to their stories and laughing at their jokes. They make us feel like we are one of them instead of intruders, and I am embarrassingly proud of that fact.
Then there was the quading we did with the kids. The wienie roast we went to on Sunday night. The breakfast, lunch and dinner we now enjoy in the company of hummingbirds, who flock in droves to the feeder I hung up right by the patio table.
I am working on the crazy goal to start a goat yoga business at our farm.
Tonight, my husband Richard saddled up his horse and rode off right from our farm into the surrounding mountains, which may not seem like a big deal, but has been a dream of ours forever.
Long story short: Life is pretty damn good. In fact, I can't imagine it getting much better than this, which is a frightening thought, but one we shall get into at another time.
So, for all intents and purposes, I'm living my happily-ever-after.
And to my dismay, what I'm discovering is that it's not the blissed-out, deliriously happy state I expected it to be.
Turns out, I still get mad at my husband, despite his being my soulmate and all.
We had a fight after the great afternoon with the guys, because someone didn't think my jokes about him were funny.
We had an unpleasant phone call today.
When I waved Rich off on his beautiful horse Dancer, I got bitten by what felt like a gazillion mosquitoes.
Happily-ever-afters are not supposed to include mosquitoes.
Or fights.
Or angry people.
Or mood swings.
Or weight gain, resulting in exploding pants.
I never planned on still fighting crushing insecurities or bouts of depression in my happily-ever-after.
I thought once you get everything you ever wanted, that shit would magically - poof! - disappear into thin air.
Nope, it ain't so.
While I don't have everything I ever wanted, I have a lot, and I am so, so grateful for it. Like I said, we are building a life that's damn close to what we always dreamed of!
But I'm learning that the annoyances and problems of daily life don't disappear, even when life is good. I'm still me, with all my neuroses and inhibitions, and that means that the possibility of my becoming a blissed-out, deliriously happy person is exceedingly low. I will always over-think and worry, because that's apparently part of the package.
Poor Richard.
But, maybe, an existence that consisted purely of sunshine and kittens wouldn't be good for us?
Maybe life is all about opposites - low tide and high tide, day and night, darkness and light? Maybe we need the lows to balance out the highs? To value good fortune, before it becomes an old hat and we stop appreciating what we have? Maybe we need the struggle - to challenge ourselves, to grow, to become more understanding and compassionate people?
I don't have the answers.
All I know is this: You can be very, very happy - and still get sad. And confused. And scared. And angry.
And I guess it's alright - it's all part of the human condition.
If you feel restless/melancholic/upset for (what others may perceive as) no reason, don't listen to them.
Don't feel guilty.
Our emotions are complicated, and sometimes we feel too much.
Even the best days can contain mosquitoes.
Life is never quite what it seems!
(But it's always, always worth it.)
Have a great week, loves!
xo Miriam
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Vol. 21