Mother's Day is complicated
Mother's Day is almost over, which makes me breathe a sigh of relief. I have lots of emotions about this day, and none of them are good ones.
I hope that for many of you, this was a great day: A beautiful reminder to be grateful for an important person (the most important person?) in your life - the woman who gave you life.
But for some of us, this day is hard, complicated, and painful.
For the ones amongst us who lost their mother, have a difficult relationship with her, have no relationship, yearn to be a mother, can't be a mother, or think they are bad mothers, this day is awful.
My particular cocktail of Mother's Day-confusion is made up of a not-close relationship to my mother, and the infinitely more complicated feelings in regards to being a stepmother.
When my stepkids were younger, it was easier. Out of the four, usually at least 1 or 2 would acknowledge me on that day in my role as stepmother, and make me a card, or give me flowers, or send me a message in some form. Those little gestures meant more than they will ever know, but were also always infused with an intense feeling of guilt - of not being deserving of it, because I wasn't good enough. I'm not exactly what you could call a mother-figure - I've always felt supremely ill-equipped to fill that role.
There was no manual, no-one to compare notes with, and that one time I became friends with another stepmom, she made me constantly feel inferior, because without my knowledge, I had entered into a contest with her that she was determined to win.
(The friendship didn't last.)
But then the kids grew up, and to my bewilderment, something unexpected happened: It turned out that we have little in common.
That's nothing unusual. On the contrary, many of my friends are quite different from their parents.
My husband and I are prime examples, both having chosen paths in life that were the polar opposites of what our parents had envisioned for us, and which were hard to understand for them.
Still, I call my parents regularly, and I talked to my mom today, because no matter what our relationship may be like, she still is, and always will be, my mom.
But what about stepparents? What if the kids grow apart from you? The bond between steps is not nearly as strong as between "real" parents and their kids, particularly when their real mom is very much in their lives.
It's something I have agonized over for many years, often thinking I've come to terms with it, only to be reminded on a day like today that I haven't.
The irony of it is that I have all the guilt that mothers seem to get as a package deal when becoming mothers, but without the reward of unconditional love.
But then, of course, the kids never asked for any of this, and you feel terrible for blaming them for not loving you more. Or showing it more. And then you remember that you're not that great in showing your love because you're screwed up too, and you feel even guiltier.
It's a vicious cycle of guilt and feeling shitty, and that's why I hate Mother's Day.
There, I said it. Phew!
Let's look at a pretty picture to calm down:
That's better. I love this barn! It's very soothing.
Anyway. Sorry to unload all this on you. I'm doing it because I hope it will take some pressure of you and the potential guilt you may be feeling. Families are difficult, aren't they?
The best thing I read today was this post by the one and only Jenny Lawson aka. The Bloggess.
I urge you to read it, but I'll also sum up what she says in it: To celebrate mother figures that come into our lives. They don't have to be related, female, or even real-lie people; everybody who supports us and makes us feel better should be celebrated.
Who are your mother figures/support team/cheerleaders/tribe/warriors/soul sisters?
For me, it's always and forever my husband; my corgi (she's my bestie, no matter how weird that may look to you); my neighbours J&J, who are amazing people and have become close friends; my friend Jasper; my friend B; the girls I exchange regular messages with, be it on social media, email or messaging services; the fellow dreamer-chasers and goal setters; and YOU.
Thank you!
On days like today, when you may look around and feel lacking, remember that nothing is as it seems.
All of us are fucked up in some way.
You are not alone.
Much love, Miriam
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