On not celebrating success "right"

and feeling at peace about it 🌲

Yesterday we finalized a huge project—and I went to bed at 7pm. No celebration, no dinner out, not even cracking open a box of fancy chocolates or drinking some fake champagne. After work I took the dogs for a walk, then I had a long bath, and then my body told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted to be brought to bed right this minute, thankyouverymuch. Who am I to disobey her? I’ve not followed her requests long enough to have learnt the hard way that it never ends well, so now I know better.
That’s why I’m wide awake now, at 5am, which means I finally have time to sit down and write to you.

The big project has to do with Hidden Hills Ranch, our new property. Have I told you that we’ve named the place Hidden Hills? It came to me not long ago, after having waited for a name for two years. One day it just appeared, and I knew right away that it’s perfect. It is indeed hidden away and difficult to find without directions, and as of now not even Google Maps can locate it. I’m thrilled! I’ve been joking that I may take a leaf out of the mafia’s book and put a potato sack over the heads of guests I’m not sure about when I pick them up, so they can’t find the place on their own. The way things are going, hiding away from the world might not be a bad idea.

But back to the project. It was months in the making, involved several public agencies, multiple different people and email chains, and more abbreviations than you can shake a stick at. I’m not good with them at the best of times, and in a world I know little about it confused the hell out of me. But we signed the countless forms, paid the exorbitant fees, crossed the t’s and dotted the i’s, and today I will send off the last documents in the mail, and we are done! Not done with the work, but done with the last bit of pre-planning.

Next month it will be three years since we first set foot on Hidden Hills, and this is what we’ve achieved thus far:

• Fenced and cross-fenced 40 acres

• Drilled a well (actually two wells, but the first one was dry)

• Built a road and a driveway

• Cleared roughly three acres of trees for the house and barn

• Found a way to get snow removal almost to the house

• Cleared more trees for power lines

• Got a 50’-power pole

• Got a date for when power comes in

• Received the house

• Applied for and received allllll the permits (the worst part of the whole process for us—we hate paperwork)

• Solved what feels like a thousand different little and not-so-little problems along the way

It’s been a lot. But despite the headaches, overwhelming exhaustion, and financial strain, I know down to my core that Hidden Hills is where we’re meant to be. A deep sense of peace comes over me every time I step foot on it, the horses are thriving (we’ve moved them onto the land last fall), and I feel all my stress melt away as soon as I’m there. I belong to this beautiful piece of land.

Experiencing bone-deep exhaustion after reaching a goal is not new to me. I get it after every book I finish writing, and then again once they’re published. It was the same after I finished my x-ray technologist schooling, and I expect it will happen after our move later this year. And I think it’s completely normal and healthy. The last thing you feel like doing after having run a marathon is exert more energy by celebrating—all you want to do is sleep.

I used to feel guilty about not celebrating success “right”. Wasn’t I supposed to treat myself, throw a party, shout it from the roof tops? Wasn’t I supposed to be on top of the world? Wasn’t it ungrateful to feel exhausted, empty, and weepy?

The short answer is: NO. Experiencing a feeling of let-down after achieving a big goal is a common occurrence that has a name: post-achievement depression.
I found a definition here:

Post-achievement depression involves experiencing a sense of purposelessness or sadness after completing a long-standing goal. This can produce a complex range of emotions, including lack of motivation, tiredness, restlessness, frustration, self-doubt, sadness, or an overall sense of melancholy and existential crisis.

I’m not experiencing a depression this time because I knew to expect this feeling. Instead, I’m honouring my body’s needs by giving it what it needs, and I’ve given myself permission to observe whatever feelings arise without judging them or myself. Right now they’re primarily feelings of tiredness and brain-deadness, with a quiet sense of pride and joy underneath it. I’ll take that.

In a goal-obsessed society, there are huge expectations tied to achieving a goal. Will this be the key that unlocks eternal happiness? Have I finally arrived at the destination of neverending bliss and zero problems?

“I just want them to be happy” is every parents’ wish for their children. It was my overriding desire above all else when I was younger; I wanted to find the person, job, and place that would give me eternal happiness.
It’s the wrong goal, and it’s one guaranteed to deliver disappointment and dissatisfaction.

Polarity is a necessity of life. Without darkness, there is no light; without unhappiness, there’s no happiness; without struggle, there’s no ease.
It took me such a long time to grasp that concept, but we already know what it’s like when life ticks along smoothly: we get a bit bored. A bit restless. Things are a bit blah—we can’t quite explain why, but something’s missing.

Instead of striving for happiness, a better goal is to strive for acceptance. Observe and accept every emotion that arises, even—especially—the difficult ones. Accept that life is beautiful and difficult, joyful and painful, exciting and exhausting. Fighting it is useless, and the many roads of denial and avoidance will lead to no place good: addiction, bankruptcy, loneliness, illness, unhappiness.

Quote by Brianna Wiest.

I know that moving to Hidden Hills won’t come with eternal bliss. There will be problems and terrible days, worries and heartbreak. But accepting all that life has to offer doesn’t mean only accepting the bad stuff. It also means accepting the beautiful and wondrous, the magical and seemingly impossible! Setting goals and chasing dreams is not a bad thing, as long as we don’t have impossible expectations.
Neither is celebrating a milestone by going to bed at 7pm and having a good night’s rest.

Cheers to accepting it all!