Self-Study
How an ancient yoga text explained my need to write about myself
Ever since I started writing twelve years ago, I’ve written about my life. At first it was on my now defunct blog, Farmgirl, and I didn’t think much about it—most bloggers wrote about their life.
But I haven’t been able to stop. This newsletter, my books (yes, even the fictional one contains some very personal details), the articles that have been published all over the internet over the years—all about my experiences, my doubts, my learning. It’s been one of the greatest sources of self-doubt for me. Am I hopelessly self-obsessed? Is it narcissism? Vanity?
In my heart I know that I’m not a vain or narcissistic person. My need to write doesn’t spring from my mind; it comes from deep inside my body, an urge that feels primal, instinctive. Once an idea takes hold of me there is little I can do to stop it. Trust me, I’ve tried; I’ve resisted for years before I wrote my first book about my relationship. But the urge is like a mosquito buzzing in my ear, not leaving me alone. As much as you try to ignore it or try to chase it off, the mosquito won’t go away; in the end, it’s easier to give in.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m proud of the work I’ve produced over the years. Memoirs and nonfiction books have helped me tremendously over the years, because reading other people’s stories reminds us that we are not alone in our struggles, fears, and challenges. I believe that we are all much more alike than we think we are; that beneath the surface, we all crave love, understanding, belonging, and safety.
Remembering that we are all alike and united in our humanness is extremely important. “Othering” groups of people is the first step of any authoritarian regime; you make people believe that all their problems are caused by other, “inferior” people, and voilà: fascism rises.
Despite knowing the importance of storytelling, some demons are hard to shake. A particularly persistent one of mine is that I was repeatedly told as a child that I was too selfish and self-involved; who did I think I was?
But then I read a book called The Yamas & Niyamas by Deborah Adele as part of my yoga teacher training, and it explains this need of mine to write about myself. Imagine my delight! I’ve been on cloud nine ever since.
The Yamas and Niyamas are ethical guidelines in yoga. There are ten of them: non-violence, truthfulness, nonstealing, nonexcess, non-possessiveness, purity, contentment, self-discipline, self-study, and surrender. These ten guidelines have been around for over 1,600 years, since 400 CE.
All ten guidelines, often referred to as jewels, are equally important for living a fulfilling, worthwhile, peaceful life. But it’s the ninth jewel, self-study, that has had an immediate positive impact on me. It finally explained my inexplicable need to write about myself!
Self-study or Svadhyaya in Sanskrit, is about knowing that our true self is the Divine, and the layers covering it up are the projections and belief systems we have learnt as we grew up. Part of personal growth is to unearth the true self hidden deep inside us by unlearning the unhelpful or harmful lessons the world has taught us. One way of doing that is by becoming a witness to ourselves. Deborah Adele writes:
“In western culture, we tend to analyze, fix, and control just about everything. If we don’t like something about ourselves or our lives, we keep trying to figure out what is wrong and then fix it. Eastern thought has a different idea about this: Eastern thought introduces the idea of ‘the witness’.”
She explains that bearing witness means that we have the ability to watch ourselves act and respond. Instead of identifying with (and being ruled by) our ego, we take a step back and observe it. The profound difference is that by watching ourselves we learn who we truly are as opposed to who we think we are. That’s where healing begins.
By taking a step back from myself I’ve been able to take a good look at my belief system. Belief systems are shaped by our caregivers, peers, environment, and the books, media, and entertainment we consume. As long as we stay busy and distracted we are stuck in our belief system, unable to recognize our conditioning. Only by becoming observers do we gain understanding of how we’ve created our reality. I came to see how much I’ve been afraid to be my true self all my life, and how lonely that has made me feel. By hiding from myself and trying to be whoever the situation or other people required me to be, I have done myself a grave disservice. First and foremost, we need to belong to ourselves.
I finally understand that my desire to write about myself has never been about vanity or self-obsession. It’s always been an attempt to understand who I am, what shaped me, and how to free myself from the expectations of others.
At its core, all stories are about the human experience. We can find ourselves reflected in the stories and experiences of friends, family, and strangers, and recognize parts of ourselves in them. My story is universal in some parts, and just my own in others. We all have different starting points and challenges depending on our gender, skin colour, upbringing, and system we are born into; but I believe that there are more similarities than differences between us.
Figuring out how to navigate the unjust world we live in, free ourselves from outside pressure and constraints, and living lives true to ourselves are challenges we all face.
And I know, know, that sharing our stories helps us. Yogis 1,600 years ago knew that. Self-study is fundamentally important because “knowing ourselves, studying what drives us and what shapes us literally are the cause of the lives we are living. Ultimately, this tenet invites us to release the false and limiting self-perception our ego has imposed on us and know the truth of our Divine Self”.
Knowing ourselves is knowing the Divine/God/the Universe.
And sharing it with each other is an act of generosity and love, not selfishness.