Stop apologizing
The other day, I didn't post on Instagram for 24 hours, and I felt guilty. Every article I have ever read about blogging/writing/building a business had brainwashed me into believing that if I'm serious about my ambitions, if I really want to see my dreams come true, I'd have to be accountable. I'd have to be present. I'd have to be on it, every single day, to prove my determination. My worthiness.
When I posted my next picture, it seriously crossed my mind for a minute to apologize for being MIA for one.fricking.day, before, thankfully, sound judgement set in and told me that I'm insane. Who in the world had noticed, except for me?? Nobody, that's who.
While having these thoughts is troubling in many ways (I'm pretty sure I need a shrink, like, yesterday), what I want to talk about is the constant urge to apologize. Or, to put it in other words, stop fricking apolozing all the time.
I'm a chronic apologizer.
The thing is, I don't only apologize when I think I'm wrong (which is a good reason to apologize).
I also/mainly(?) do it because I'm so damn afraid that people may take offense to me. Not just to what I may do wrong, but just by - well, being me. Subconsciously, I seem to think that by throwing in a little "I'm sorry" regularly, people will like me more.
Seeing it written out like that, it seems, once again, insane. (Anyone know a good shrink?)
But without writing it down, and really examining my over-apologizing habit, I thought I was doing a good thing.
I was polite. Considerate. Respectful of other people's feelings.
I was a damn people-pleaser on steroids.
My brain is a large, complicated ball of conflicting messages I have collected over the last 37 years of my life. I'm like a barbed wire-fence in a windy desert, where every so-called advice or admonishment that people have thrown at me gets stuck, adding to the ever-expanding list of things I have to follow in order to be liked and respected:
Don't be offensive.
Don't be loud.
Don't be opinionated.
Don't be lazy.
Don't be disorganized.
Don't be difficult.
Don't be late.
Don't be different.
Don't be wrong.
Don't be challenging.
Don't be irrational.
Don't be not pretty: Dye that grey hair, botox those unsightly wrinkles, hide your so-called "flaws" behind well-applied make-up, starve/exercise/hide away the excessive fat that's distasteful for other people to look at.
Don't be - flawed?
BULLSHIT.
Stop apologizing for being you.
Stop trying to please everybody.
Stop believing in the myth that you have to be everything to everybody.
You are flawed, complicated, and full of contradictions.
You work hard, but you're also lazy AF sometimes.
You are strong, but also weak sometimes.
You are determined, but also insecure sometimes.
You know what you want - until you question everything.
It's okay. You're okay. You're on the right track, even if you have days where you achieve nothing.
Stop worrying so much about what other people think of you.
Stop worrying about what other people tell you you have to do to succeed.
Everybody has their own path. Just because something worked for one person, doesn't mean that's the only way to success.
Do your own thing.
You'll figure it out.
And stop apologizing for blazing your own trail, just because others might not get it.
You and I, we got this.
xx Miriam
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Vol. 22