Stop believing them
A few weeks ago we had a surprise visitor. Well, it was a surprise for me, because Rich forgot to tell me about him visiting. In our lose, North-American way I would say he's a friend, but if you break down what friendship is all about then he doesn't deserve that title. We will get to why that is in a minute.
He's a highly energetic, loud guy, and whenever he's around there's lots of laughter, joking around, and back-slapping, but in a slightly manic and exhausting way. When he wanted to leave after a few hours his car wouldn't start, so he stayed the night.
After his car was towed to the nearest shop the next morning, we decided that I would drive him to a half-way point between our and his place where his wife was going to pick him up. That way she didn't have a full 4-hour drive ahead of her.
What happened during that drive is what made me withdraw the friend-card.
As soon as we were on the road, he started talking badly about Rich, his (supposed) friend, and he tried to get me to chime in and bash Rich as well.
Curiously, this has happened a few times to me over the years. Old buddies of Rich who, earlier that day, were reminiscing about the good old times and talking with him for hours will seek me out when I'm alone and start pointing out all his perceived shortcomings. I'm sure they smugly believe that they are helpful by telling me what he's doing wrong, how he should treat me and how much better they are to their wives.*
*(Even though I happen to know that two of them cheated on their wives and the third one is just going through an ugly divorce.)
But what it is is condescending. And insulting. Their behavior is implying that I, a mere woman and a younger one at that, don't know my own mind. Furthermore, they're stabbing their friend in the back by talking shit about him to me, his wife, showing neither loyalty nor class. What exactly are they trying to achieve?
Making themselves feel better by trashing their friend?
Being my "savior"?
Looking good in comparison?
Us having a fight?
I honestly don't know.
But what I do know is that they influence me. They get into my head, sowing doubt, making me wonder if they might be right, at least a little bit.
On that particular day I dropped off the guy, and since I was close to a mall I thought I may as well check it out. It had been over a year since I was last at a mall, and I wanted to see what I had missed (hint: nothing).
As I was strolling though the mall, trying to enjoy the experience, my breathing started to get labored. It felt like I couldn't get a proper breath in, which resulted in me taking faster and more shallow breaths. My walking speed increased in sync with my rapid breathing, until I practically ran out of the mall and to the safety of my car. Once inside, I promptly burst into tears.
It took me a long while to calm down. Once I could talk, I called Rich and told him what happened: the stupid conversation I had with our "friend", the episode (mini panic attack?) in the mall, the tears, the utter exhaustion I felt.
"Are you okay to drive?" he asked me with concern in his voice. I told him I was.
"Come home, and forget about him," he said. "I love you."
I made it home safely that day, and we haven't talked to the guy since.
But I've been thinking about it a lot. Not so much what he said - there will always be people talking badly behind other people's backs.
But about my own behavior. Why did it affect me so much? Why couldn't I laugh in his face and tell him to stick his opinion to a place where the sun doesn't shine?
It's not because I think that these guys are right. I know all of Rich's strengths and weaknesses, and whatever they think they're letting me in on is something I already know. I know him better than anyone, and our bond is much too strong to be threatened by a few unkind words.
No, the problem is this: I still don't trust myself enough.
There are still too many times when I second-guess my own beliefs, thinking that someone else may be right and I am wrong.
I grew up with the message that I'm not that smart, that other people know better, and that I should listen more than speak up. And I've been carrying that belief around all my life.
And I know that I'm not the only one. I've been talking about this to women of all ages, from teens to women in their mid-70s, and many of us struggle with the same problem: we nod our head instead of shaking it, we listen to be polite even though they are anything but, we give them the benefit of the doubt which results in us doubting ourselves.
But no more.
We have to trust our intuition. We have to use our own voice. And when someone is rude to us, instead of being polite, we have to tell them to cut it out.
We have to stop believing that they are right and we are wrong. Because our opinion is just as valid, our voices deserve to be heard, and staying quiet to keep the peace is not our job.
I know it's hard when you're taught to be a people-pleaser, as so many of us (especially women) are. But the more we practice, the better we will get, and it's essential to our own well-being to trust ourselves. We are way smarter than we give ourselves credit for! Everything we need to know is already inside us.
xoxo Miriam
In case you missed it:
I shared one of my daily walks on the blog: A community of misfits
Being away from home for half the time is turning out to be the best thing that could have happened to me: Coming home to myself
I'm done fitting in and so should you
Here are 10 things I'm loving right now
Read more on my blog Farm Girl
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Vol. 58