Take care of your spoons
Have you heard of The Spoon Theory? A woman named Christine Miserandino made it up to explain to her friend what it's like to live with a chronic illness.
Christine explains to her friend that a healthy person wakes up in the morning with unlimited energy (she
wouldn't say that if she saw me before my first cup of coffee, but that's another story).
The healthy person doesn't have to make decisions how to spend their limited amount of energy, because it's not limited. They can make spontaneous decisions and change plans, because they have enough energy to do so.
Not a sick person. A sick person has a limited amount of energy, and they have to be careful how they use it. That's where the spoons come in.
Let's say you start out with 10 spoons. Getting out of bed costs you one spoon. Taking a shower costs another (two if you shave your legs). If you have to go to work that day, you're already down 3 precious spoons before you even got dressed.
Now imagine you want to go out for dinner with friends, or you have to do grocery shopping after work, or vaccuum the house - you can't do it all in one day, because you don't have enough spoons. That means that you have to make many, many choices every day, deciding how to spend the little energy you have.
Ever since I first heard about the spoon theory, it's stayed with me. Not only because it's such a visual way of describing what a person with chronic illness goes through every day - but because it also applies to people with mental illness.
Or young parents. Or people who feel down for other reasons.
I'm not saying that I know what it's like to have a physical chronic illness, because I don't.
But I know what it's like to run out of spoons because of my mental illness.
Just last week, I went to my doctor to get a new prescription for my anti-depressants.
Before I went, I said to Rich:
"I've been feeling so good, and I'm so happy, I wonder if I should stop taking them."
I've heard of people who took theirs for a while, and then stopped because 'they got better'.
Well, I guess my old frenemy Depression took this as a dare, and decided to show me that she is still alive and kicking.
She attacked me yesterday with an epic case of exhaustion, so severe that I was literally dragging my feet across the ground. I was sweating profusely and my heart was beating like crazy by the time I had finished feeding our animals, and I had to lay down for a nap before lunch.
I knew that I had to go grocery shopping and cook dinner, and to get that accomplished I had to rest for most of the afternoon. Never did the spoon theory make more sense than it did yesterday!
Today, I woke up feeling alright - until I went to the bathroom to pee. The telltale burning, the sensation of still having to pee after I was done - I know these signs only too well.
At work, I had to dart into the bathroom in between every patient, tears streaming down my face due to the burn down below.
I nipped over to the ER to confirm what I already knew: I have a bladder infection.
If you ever had one, you know what it's like - it burns like literal hell - and if you never had to go through this agony, thank your lucky stars. It's no picnic.
I had just enough spoons to hang in there until noon, when my co-worker arrived. I used my last spoons to pick up my antibiotics at the pharmacy, and to drive my sorry ass home.
When I'm feeling great, I tend to get cocky.
I don't want to believe that depression is a chronic illness. Maybe it isn't?
But what the last two days have taught me, is that my mental illness isn't going anywhere fast.
Even though life is so good, and so fulfilling, that I don't have 'a reason' to feel like this.
Mental illness doesn't need a reason.
It chooses its people just like other illnesses do.
We don't have to be defeated by it, hell no - but we have to accept it that it is a small part of us.
It took me 2 days to write this letter, because of spoons - but I'll be damned if D is taking this away from me.
She won't.
If you have a tough day, know that you're not alone.
It's not a sign of weakness when you have to take a mental health day, but the opposite: It's a sign of strength and wisdom.
We are the best judge of our own bodies and minds, and if we need a break, we have to take it.
D may have won this round, but she didn't win the war.
As Arnie says: "I'll be back!"
xoxo Miriam
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Vol. 28