The key to leading a happy life
Hi friends,
how are you holding up? I am actually doing better than I have in a long time, and I want to share what's responsible for it.
If you follow me on Instagram you may know that I started therapy a few weeks ago. It's something I knew I needed, but was inexplicably scared of. I actually went to my doctor last year and asked how to go about it, but then never followed up. But when my mental health deteriorated drastically in April I asked for recommendations on my Instagram stories, and once again, the Internet provided. Two friends gave me recommendations, and since I'd put it out there and announced publicly that I was going to see someone, I didn't want to disappoint them by wheedling out. Whatever works, right?
My hands were shaking and my heart was beating wildly when I contacted my counsellor, and when we had our first session (on Zoom) I started crying within seconds and didn't stop for most of the hour. I was nervous as hell, scared, and felt extremely vulnerable.
But! I also felt validated, understood and reassured. And when the second session rolled around I was much more confident, close to tears only once, and didn't actually cry at all!
What I want to share with you today is something that she told me. I've been thinking about it for days, and the more I think about it the more sense it makes.
I was telling her that I have a hard time setting boundaries. For example, when someone talks to me and tells me something, I always feel obligated to listen. My first instinct is wanting to help this person.
In some cases, it feels good. I get something out of it as well, the warm glow of accomplishment in having helped a fellow human being. But in other cases it has the opposite effect: it depletes my energy, leaves me drained, and I feel frustrated and annoyed. Why is that?
"Because you are not living in alignment," she explained to me.
Before I continue let me assure you that my counsellor is a very down-to-earth person. She is practical, has a hearty belly laugh, and from what I can see from her office during our Zoom-meetings, there isn't a single crystal in sight. Not that there is anything wrong with crystal-rubbing, dancing-under-the-moon witches, but I prefer to take my advice from sensible women who live in the here and now.
Living in alignment means doing things that are true to you. You will have clarity, fulfillment, inner peace and a deep appreciation for life. You will be joyful and grateful.
When you live in alignment you are being you, and you say no to stuff that doesn't feel good. Obviously there will always be things you have to/should do even if they don't feel good in the moment: going to the dentist, having to deal with an unpleasant customer, going out of your comfort zone to finally make that appointment with a therapist ;-)
The difference is that there are certain things we have to do that might not feel good in the moment, but benefit us in the long run. Maintaining our health by looking after our bodies is a good thing for us. Telling a customer who makes unreasonable demands what we do and don't accept is good for us.
But dreading every day to go to your job because it's making you miserable means you are not true to yourself.
Staying in toxic relationships is not living in alignment.
Being the trash can for emotional vampires who dump their shit on you and drain you means you are doing something that is not true to you.
And it's your right (and duty towards yourself!) to put a stop to it.
Being true to yourself is listening to the little voice inside of you. We are born with the wisdom of who we are already inside of us. It's the outside world - our parents, friends, teachers, social pressure - that distract us to the point where we ignore that quiet voice. The outside world is so much louder, and it continually tells us what we need to be happy: lose weight! buy more stuff! party with people we are led to believe are fun! have kids! travel! No wonder we lose sight of who we are.
So we try out the different ways that we are promised will lead us to joy and happiness. If they don't, we think it's our own fault. We just didn't lose enough weight! We didn't try hard enough! We didn't buy the right phone/car/outfit!
We will spend our entire lives chasing fulfillment and happiness, because that's what everyone wants.
But unless we look inside of us, we won't find it.
People-pleasing has been a recurring theme in my life. I believed that if other people approve of me, I could approve of myself. That's why I'm having a hard time setting boundaries - what if that person becomes upset with me?
But by agreeing to do things that are not true to me I'm out of alignment.
And being out of alignment feels pretty shitty.
Some of the signs are the following:
You wake up feeling off. Something isn't quite right, but you can't put your finger on what it is.
You frequently wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. Your thoughts are racing, and they are dark and unpleasant.
You feel blah and disconnected from yourself.
Your external life doesn't match your internal desire. For example, you work in a high-stress job you thought you wanted, but it's stressing you out too much. You want an easier, less stressful life but your choices don't reflect that.
You get sick a lot or feel physically unwell. Smaller things like headaches, frequent sore throats, body aches. Your body is trying to tell you something and you are not listening.
You feel tired, sluggish and uninspired.
You feel stuck. You have no idea what's next. This means that you are disconnected to your soul; it has the step-by-step instructions you so desperately want to tell you what's next!
You are not attracting what you want.
Nothing you do seems to be working.
Sounds familiar? I've experienced all of them. If you've read my books, you know!
I also know how annoying it is to keep hearing the overused advice to "just be yourself". If it would be that easy, Susan, I'd be doing it!
We get defensive because the prospect of figuring out who we are is daunting.
But don't despair - I have a few tips for you! No mediation or retreats required (even though mediation helps a lot with it - it's basically the golden key to unlocking your innermost self. More about that in a moment.*)
Live in the moment; put your phone down. BREATHE. Sounds annoying, but it works. Trust me.
Take care of your body. Feed it well, drink water, move, get enough sleep. No worries, this isn't a call to banish certain foods. On the contrary, I recommend banishing nothing. Variety is the spice of life! (And restriction causes cravings and binge eating. Ain't nobody got time for that.)
Practice gratitude. Keep it simple: start by writing down 3 things you are grateful for every day. You will be surprised how this simple exercise shifts your mindset!
Embrace your gifts. Find your passion, do it daily.
Ask for guidance. Whether you believe in God, the universe, or the spirits - ask if you need help. Say it out loud, write it down, talk to a therapist. You WILL find answers if you ask the question.
There you have it. It's not easy, but it's simple. The bad news is that you have to do the work; nobody else can do it for you. But the good news is that it WILL get easier as soon as you start! The first step is the hardest.
*A little side note on meditation. Mediation is magic. I devoured Dan Harris' book 10% Happier four years ago, and I highly recommend it for anyone who is highly-skeptical-yet-curious about mediation.
After reading the book I tried mediation the old-fashioned way: sitting cross-legged and with your eyes closed. Doesn't fucking work for me. I'm too fidgety and uncomfortable. I know I know, you are supposed to stick with it.
Well, turns out I found a different way that works great for me: walking mediation. It's the best. I get the most clarity by being outside, walking in nature. I've made all my major decisions during walks! Moving to Canada, going back to school at the age of 28, not having kids, writing books, taking new jobs - all decided while wandering under the clouds and with wind blowing around me. It works for me! And that's what living in alignment is all about.
Hang in there, dear friends. You have it in you to live your best life. I believe in you!
Love, Miriam
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Vol. 69