The month that changed my priorities

I dropped my to-do list and just ✨was✨

January doesn’t get a lot of love in the Northern hemisphere. It’s the month that feels like the morning after the party, when you wake up with a heavy head, last night’s make-up smeared all over your face, and an empty wallet. And this January was a doozy, with The Handmaid’s Tale being played out in real time in front of all of us, threatening our collective freedom, peace, and in many cases, safety.

I used to hate January. But since I quit drinking, I’ve fully embraced the cozy life, and these days I love the long nights sipping tea, doing puzzles, reading, or watching TV. The more uncertain the external world becomes, the more I crave to establish a sense of safety in my personal life, and this past January I went in armed with a to-do list as long as January has felt to many. I thought I would out-walk, out-yoga, and out-write the scariness of the news and the state of the world, keeping myself so busy that I didn’t have time to think.

That didn’t happen.

20th wedding anniversary // Full moon // New house! // Yoga

Well, at first it did. I started the new year at a frantic pace, setting myself all sorts of arbitrary goals: walk 13,000 steps a day, write 500 daily words for my new novel, send out a newsletter once a week, #yogaeverydamnday, work, help family, keep all the balls in the air regarding our new house and upcoming move.

It was nuts. To nobody’s surprise, I started to feel frazzled and stressed almost right away. When I sobbingly told my therapist about my ambitious to-do-list, she was amazed. “Why do you do that to yourself?” she asked curiously.
Haltingly, crying so hard it was difficult to speak, I tried to put into words what I barely understood myself: that setting and reaching goals gave me a sense of accomplishment, control, and value as a ~productive~ person. Listening patiently, she explained that I was falling back into old coping mechanisms, which can happen in times of stress and uncertainty.

The old pattern was one most of us are familiar with: in a world that feels out of control, we need to feel in control of something, so we choose things like our diet, exercise, personal goals (like my word count), or wanting to control the people around us. It may appear to work in the short term, but in the long term it only adds to the stress, and it’s guaranteed to make us feel worse about ourselves when we inevitably don’t reach our ambitious goals.

Snowy and sunny hikes // sunset drive // cooking with my granddaughter // clearing the snow off the pad before the house delivery

So, I dropped it all. I threw out my Fitbit, I scrapped the self-imposed deadline for my next novel, I didn’t force myself to write a letter to you last week, and I decided to listen to my body instead of my monkey brain.

And my body was clear: it wanted community. Consequently, I did what it guided me to do:
Instead of writing for an hour alone in the morning, I had coffee in bed with my husband and started the day talking with him. Instead of going for a walk during my lunch break, I went to the lunch room and chatted with my co-workers. Instead of being preoccupied with my own thoughts and problems, I was present with whoever I was with: my patients, co-workers, friends, family. I had two long, intimate phone conversations with far-away friends, went for coffee with another one, and went out to dinner with our future neighbours. It was a much more social January than usual, but it was exactly what I needed.

I used to hate when women described their social circle as their tribe. I told myself it was show-offy and pretentious, but in truth I was deeply jealous. I wanted to have a tribe too, but I was too afraid of getting hurt to let anyone get close enough to me to create an intimate friendship.
It wasn’t until I established a deep, secure bond with myself that that fear disappeared. Because now I know that even if a friendship doesn’t work out, I still have a safe, loving relationship with myself, and my worth as a person won’t decrease because of another person’s disapproval.

What was missing all these years was self-love; without it, rejection of other people is almost unbearable, which is why I kept everyone at arm’s length to protect myself.

But these days, community is one of the most important cornerstones of life for me. Embracing all the wonderful people I already have in my life, and being open to new connections, is invaluable to me.

So that’s what I did last month: I nurtured that aspect of my life, and I could literally feel my nervous system relax and slow down. My entire being breathed a sigh of relief, and a huge burden I hadn’t realized I was carrying was lifted off my shoulders. I started to feel light, free, and in harmony with myself again.

Did I move my body less? Yes, I did; but I expanded my soul by connecting more with the people around me.
Was I less “productive”? Yes, in the sense of checking off tangible items of my to-do list; but I felt more aligned with myself and enriched by connection with others than I have in ages.
Did I work less than I could have? Hells yes; and it felt amazing! I’m determined to stick to my 3.5 days of work a week that I’m contractually obligated to, and it’s a perfect (and literal!) work-life balance: 3.5 days of work, 3.5 days of time that belongs to me.

Here’s what I did with the time that belongs to me in January:

• Spent a few days with my grandbabies and kids. It was soul-filling and made me feel rich, loved, and firmly part of the family (not belonging is an old insecurity of mine). Cup refilled!

• Napped a lot.

• Puzzled a lot.

• Hiked a lot. Always have, always will, because I have three very active dogs and I love it.

• Went to therapy.

• Watched the new Dexter: Original Sin, which I’m obsessed with.

• Discovered The Mel Robbins podcast, which I’m also obsessed with! Learning how to live your best life is my jam, and that’s what she’s all about.

• Sent out three essays: The most important question you’ll ever ask yourself (what’s on your wish list?), I threw my Fitbit away, and From Tradwife to Feminist.

• Hit my yoga mat 15 times. I usually do half an hour, and most of my yoga practices right now are courtesy of the Down Dog Yoga app, which I love: you can personalize your practice by choosing the time, body part to focus on, type of yoga, and level you want to practice at. It’s wonderful!

• Our modular home was delivered! In preparation we spent a few hours clearing the snow off the pad with our ATV the day before, and the day of delivery was thrilling: the two pieces arrived in the middle of the night, a snow storm ensued, and instead of the expected 3-4 hours it took a solid 8 to get it set up. But set up it is, and it’s beautiful! If everything goes as planned, it will be fully assembled this month. I’m sooooo happy!

• I may have scrapped the deadline for my next novel, but the novel is still happening. By not touching it last month, the story fully formed in my head, and I can’t wait to work on it! I’m not planning on releasing it this year, but I will write it and most likely finish the first draft, because it’s a story that needs to be told. Three generations of women, with unresolved trauma being passed from grandmother to mother to daughter: what could go wrong?

Hey, that was a lot, wasn’t it? Does slowing down actually make our life fuller? I think it does!

I loved doing this review of January so much, I’ll do one for every month of this year. We forget so quickly all we’ve done in a month, it’s very rewarding to take some time and appreciate it.

Here’s to a slow(ish) and mindful February!