Why are we here?
This is a question I ask myself often.
Not in a everyday sense, of course; but several times a year, I circle back to it.
What is my purpose? What do I see as my life's work? What do I want to be remembered for?
I ask myself these questions not only because I really want to know - but also to give my life meaning. I've said before that we shouldn't live the same year 75 times and call it a life - but looking back on that post, I notice that I had no answer for how we should live. Because when I wrote that post 2 years ago, I had no idea.
I've always envied people who seem to be sure about what they want in life. I'm so unlike them - for the longest time, I had not the faintest idea what I wanted. I spent my entire 20s floundering about, making plenty of questionable choices and learning the hard way what didn't work for me.
I started to get a grip in my 30s (finally!), and now that I'm approaching my 40s, I'm having a better idea.
But have I figured out why we are here yet? Nope.
If pressed, I would say something along the lines of "leaving the world a better place than I found it", but what does that actually mean? What am I personally doing to fulfill this lofty goal?
Whenever I don't have an answer, I read books (or google it, obviously). The questions that keep me up at night are luckily questions that have been pondered, researched, and written about by much smarter people than me, and I'm eager to find out what these people have to say.
Last week I talked about Brene Brown, and I'm still talking about her this week. (I love her so, so much.)
You know what she says about why we are here?
"Connection, along with love and belonging (two expressions of belonging), is why we are here, and it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." (Daring Greatly, p.68)
I've been thinking about this for days. Connection is our purpose? Is that true?
And then I remembered the loneliness I felt growing up, when I was taught to hide most parts of myself.
When I looked at my parents, who were so afraid of connection that they hid behind masks, kept other people at arm's length, and taught us by example that nobody is to be trusted.
I remember wondering if a life lived in fear was even worth living? Working, eating, sleeping, and carefully guarding one's heart and emotions 24/7 - was that it? Was that really all there was to life?
I wanted more. I wanted to see what was beyond my fear, what happened when I pushed past it despite being scared shitless. What was the worst that could happen?
Disappointment? I was already disappointed, if that was all life had to offer.
Embarrassment? I was afraid of embarrassment for a very long time. But I slowly learnt that we are not alone in embarrassment. It is part of life, and everybody experiences it from time to time. No matter how careful you are, you can't avoid it. If it was unavoidable anyways, why no risk it on purpose? Be in charge for a change, instead of feeling like a helpless bystander in your own life?
Failure? Oh, failure. How afraid I was of you all my life. And how silly of me. In order to succeed, we have to fail. All the successful women I admire so much failed miserably many, many times: Brene Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, Anne Lamott, Jenny Lawson, and so many others. Brene jokingly (but also seriously) referred to the TED Talk Conference as the "Failure Conference", because most - if not all - of the speakers openly talk about their failures.
That's the thing about life: in order to succeed, you have to fail. And if you're too afraid to try? You've failed already.
Once I broke down all my fears and saw that I had nothing to lose, I tentatively began to make connections. I started to open up about my vulnerabilities, like my depression, but also stuff that's harder to describe, but that we all know well: feelings of not being good enough, of feeling restless without quite knowing why, of having fear and shame and being flawed.
We are afraid of being seen and heard. Of having a voice. Because what if our voice is being booed? What if we're shot down for our opinion? Isn't it safer to stay hidden away in our safe hole, under our covers and behind masks?
It may feel safer, but this safety is an illusion. Because we can't hide from ourselves. We can't keep our own truth hidden away forever. It isolates us, and it makes us feel lonely and miserable.
So, yes, I believe Brene when she says that connection is the reason we are here in this world.
Because love and connection are what make our life worthwhile.
A few days ago, I received a long, wonderful email from one of my readers. We used to briefly work together over 13 years ago, but thanks to Facebook and Instagram, we never quite lost touch.
What she wrote touched me deeply. It was all about feeling a connection, of being on a similar path, of feeling understood.
That's the power of storytelling. Of sharing experiences and recognizing yourself in someone else's story.
Is that why we are here? Why I am here?
I sincerely hope so.
Because nothing gives me greater joy than telling stories.
xoxo Miriam
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Vol. 45