You need courage to live your dream life
You know what's the strangest thing?
Getting what you want.
At first, you will be overjoyed. This is awesome! The world is fantastic! How did you ever deserve to get so lucky?
But that stage only lasts for a little while. Enjoy it!
Because what comes next is unsettling.
After a while, all the worries and weird thoughts you had before you got what you wanted will return. It's as if your brain doesn't want you to be happy.
Let me give you an example. I'm a big list-writer. There's nothing I like more than writing down my perfect future. I like to visualize what I want, because I believe that if you visualize and firmly believe that you will get it, you will get it. You should give it a try! Even if you are skeptical about the whole law of attraction-thing (you shouldn't be, because that shit works), writing down what you want helps a lot to clarify things for you.
On the blog, I wrote about my perfect life here, here, and here.
Just in case you didn't click on the posts, my dream life looks like this:
Living in a cozy house close to nature, somewhere where it doesn't rain a lot.
Writing books, taking photos, being creative, doing yoga, going for long hikes, swimming in lakes, reading all the books.
Working 3 or 4 days a week in the nearby small town-hospital.
Having friends over often for meals, drinks, and good conversation.
Here is the kicker: I got all of that. Isn't that crazy? Granted, the real version of my dream life has more complainy neighbours, infections, and bickering with the husband in it than my dream version, but it's still damn close to what I ever wanted.
So what does my brain do? It starts sabotaging my peace of mind.
The little voices in my head started to whisper again, planting doubt and making me second-guess my choices.
To understand my dilemma, I have to explain something about my job. I'm an x-ray technologist, and I'm part of a union. Every hour we work goes towards our seniority, and the more seniority you have, the more power to you. I worked for 6 years in one health authority before our move last year.
With that move, I lost all of my seniority, roughly 10,000 hours. Disaster! But. There was a way to get it back! I would have to find a permanent job within a year, and all of my very important hours would be transferred to me. Obviously, everybody I work with and everybody who's ever been in a union urged me to do that. That had to be my most important goal! Do whatever it takes to get that precious seniority back.
And that's good advice. It gives you more job security, more vacation, all that jazz.
There was only one problem.
I am working as a casual in a hospital where there are no permanent jobs in the foreseeable future. My only other option would be to drive 90 km each way to another, much bigger site with way more job opportunities.
What to do?
Stay at the hospital I love? Where I love the patients, the doctors and nurses, the clerical staff, the maintenance guys, the cleaning staff, my boss? Where I work pretty much exactly as much/little as I want? Where I can balance my work with my writing? But where I don't have the same job security that I would have in a 'proper' job with all my hours giving me false security giving me a higher place on the totem pole?
One of the most annoying traits of my personality is that I'm easily discouraged. I get confused and doubtful, and I tend to question my choices.
What if they are right?
What if I'm making a mistake?
What if I'm still the same immature girl I was 20 years ago, with my head in the clouds and no grip on reality?
Thank god for good friends. I was stuck in a loop of doubt and what-ifs, questioning everything I thought I knew.
I talked to my close friend T about it. And just by saying it out loud and having someone listen and repeat back to me what I've said before, all the confusion melted away.
I've embarked on this road of living life according to my rules.
And I keep forgetting that it's often harder than I thought it would be.
You don't only need courage once. You need it again and again and again.
But living like that is hugely rewarding. It makes me feel truly alive and free. I'm not trapped any more.
As for my problem?
Thanks to meditating on it and T's invaluable help, I decided to stay at my sweet little hospital. Where I love it. I kissed my 10,000 hours goodbye.
Sometimes, we simply have to let things go.
xoxo Miriam
Do you know anyone who is facing a decision? If you think it helps, forward them this letter. Sometimes, all one need is to know that they are not alone.
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Vol. 40