You need to know what to do when the sun is not shining
You need to know what to do when the sun is not shining.
This is a quote from Robert Downey Jr, whom I love. Seriously, he's my #1 celebrity crush. Not only is he a gifted actor, great humanitarian, yogi, and incredibly hot, but he also overcame a serious drug- and alcohol-addiction, and gained much wisdom from it.
RDJ quotes are my go-to when I have a rough day. His combination of self-deprecation, humour, and hard-earned insight really speaks to me.
He's funny, and funny is the best:
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the days when the sun isn't shining. We all have them, and we all know that we all have them.
Still, when you are in the midst of a rainy period, that's of little comfort. I like to call these periods 'blah' days - nothing is wrong, but everything is kinda boring, and I'm vaguely dissatisfied for no reason.
Those are the dangerous times. The times when our destructive behaviour wants to come out and play. I believe that every single person has their demons, and that it's more tempting to give in to them in times of boredom than it is in times of great stress.
My destructive behaviour has always revolved around putting something into my body. For the first half of my adulthood, it was binge-eating: Dry cereal straight out of the box, entire loafs of bread, huge bags of popcorn, or dozens and dozens of sour candy. I managed to shake that terrible habit years ago, and for a while, I thought I was free of bad habits.
But then, another one crept in. So slowly, that I didn't notice it at first; and when I eventually did, I could find lots of ways to rationalize it.
I got myself a new BFF - wine.
Wine and I got really close. Wine made me relax, made me funnier, made me fearless. There was nothing wine couldn't do! If I was bored, I would pour myself one 2-3 large glasses, and halfway through I would forget about being bored.
If I felt insecure or worried, wine would take that away for a few hours. I started drinking wine almost daily, and whenever I felt uncomfortable about it, I would look for some reassurance online.
The Internet did not disappoint. You don't have to scroll far to see someone posing with a wine glass in hand, which always made me feel instantly better.
Then there are all the funny, wine-assuring quotes:
"Wine is like duct tape, it fixes everything."
"I make wine disappear. What's your super power?"
"S🍷p happens."
"I still don't understand what a wine stopper is for."
"I'd love to take you out for coffee this week." "You spelled wine wrong."
"Wine - how classy people get wasted."
Exactly. As long as I was only drinking wine, I was not only ok, I was classy, right?
Drinking wine is socially so accepted, that nobody thinks twice about it. We joke to our girlfriends that we have to "wine about it" when we want to talk about something. Enjoying "a glass of wine" automatically conjures up the image of a sophisticated person relaxing with style.
And guys, I love wine. I love everything about it: The taste, the way it makes me feel, the pleasant warmth in my belly and happy fog in my head. I even love the way the fricking glass feels in my hand!
So why would I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, feeling ashamed and guilty?
Because I was doing too much of it. Too many glasses on too many nights. It had become a habit: Come home, open fridge, pour, sip, repeat.
Especially on those days when the sun was not shining, and I was facing all the things I had planned to do: Working out, working on my next project, doing house work. It all sounded like too much work, while wine, on the other hand, sounded chic, fun, and relaxing. Most nights, wine won.
The problem wasn't only the regular drinking. The real problem was how I thought about it. Subconsciously, I regarded drinking wine as fun, carefree, and sophisticated. It was my treat; I deserved it after a long day.
With that kind of thinking, not drinking felt like a punishment; like I denied myself something that I had earned.
If you are a careful observer (and I have no doubt that you are), you will have noticed the use of the past tense. Does that mean these bad old days are long behind me?
Well, it depends on what you regard as long, I guess - the last wine night was on Friday, Oct. 20th. Of this year, just to make it crystal-clear.
I know that's not long. But to be honest, that's the longest time in years where I haven't had a drink. I'm not quitting alcohol completely; but I'm changing my attitude towards it drastically.
Instead of having wine at home all the time, and automatically reaching for it every day, I'm only going to buy some for special occasions. I'm still gonna have a glass here and there when we're invited to dinner, or when we have friends over; but my everyday choice of drink at night is tea (again), water, and grapefruit juice (I love grapefruit juice).
Just as important, though, is how I think about not drinking. Instead of feeling deprived, I'm learning to see it as a gift. I sleep much better, I wake up with a clear head, and I'm hoping to reduce my wine belly a bit.
And that's not even the best parts. You know what is?
Feeling free. For someone who values freedom and overuses the hashtag #wildandfree, having had this monkey on my back for all these years was pretty ridiculous.
I'm learning different ways of dealing with the days when the sun isn't shining. I've come up with 3 easy steps (I like easy), and so far, they have worked brilliantly:
1. Accept that even the best life has 'blah' days. Feeling blah is a normal part of life - get used to it, you big baby.
2. Treat yourself in other ways. Bubble baths, buying something pretty, Netflix marathon, going to bed super-early (mmmhh, sleep), having a spa night - whatever makes you happy, do it. You deserve it!
3. Make a decision. The reason why I didn't curb my wine habit for so long? Because I didn't really want to. I was ambivalent about it, knowing that I should cut down at some point, but not wanting to.
Well, now I do. Making the decision is the tough part - sticking to it is much easier.
Robert agrees:
There you have it. At first, I didn't want to share this quite yet, to make sure it sticks before I talk about it. But it feels right to do it now - and it will help me to stay on course. For me, talking about what's going on in my life works; it not only helps me make sense of my confusing thoughts, it also makes me more accountable.
Pretty much all of my life changes over the last 4+ years happened because I wrote about them on the blog first.
This won't be any different.
A big shoutout to Lori and Suzy, who have become my companions on this journey, unbeknownst to them 😂
Love you!
xoxo Miriam
Like this newsletter? Fantastic! Forward it to someone who would like it, too.
Vol. 38